Feeling Better

I do believe in the power of writing even when I lose faith in the justice of the written world.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I regret that anyone who reads this blog had to read that diatribe. However, I feel better. It's nice to vent. Sometimes, its nice to vent thinking that someone, who may not even want to read what you've written, has to listen to you.

Why do I feel better this evening than I did this morning? Because I feel like I'm starting again to ask the right questions. I have some big ones staring me in the face right now.

What I do know - I want to change. To the extent that desire effects writing - Pleasing the audience isn't bad. Also, musical theater is pretty great, or can be.

However, I was standing in a book store this evening, gazing at all the different books a person can buy, wondering what the authors of each book were thinking when they wrote. Did they think they would be Hemingway? Or the next Fitzgerald? or T.S. Elliott? Or did they just want to sell some books, make a nice living as an author, feed their kids, have a good story for the high school reunion, not go crazy, be a writer, be a good enough writer, write. I'm not disparaging any of these things, please understand. i was just wondering what they were thinking. . . And it occurred to me that if I'm not thinking that I'm writing something pure and truthful and unique and surprising and ambitious and brave and, quite possibly, the most original best play that a person like me could ever write on this planet -- whether or not anyone understands it as long as I recognize what I was trying to do and maybe succeed -- if I don't think these things then it isn't worth it to me to write. There are much more useful and hopeful and practical and pragmatic and also valueablethings to do in the world.

And maybe I should to them. Because I suspect that no one cares about the type of plays I want to write these days. Maybe in a different era. Maybe they aren't special. Maybe. The circumstances of all occurrences are so fraught with chance and timing and age and moment that who knows what something work or not work. I doubt plays are going to make an important comeback as cultural weather vanes. They will continue to be important but their importance will be largely in the intellectual rather than the emotional or experimental areas. I don't even know that much. . .

What I know is that I can only write the plays I'm interested in writing -- what the theaters themselves want or think they want be damned -- Again, I like the musical, and I want the audience to have an emotional hallelujah when they see my work but I can't really or I won't really please anyone but myself when I conceive of a play. I could conceivably. i could even see the value in it conceivably. Maybe I could write for a really good television show. maybe I could write a good television show. . . Yet as an ambition on its own -- just to write a television show - isn't valuable enough to justify a life. Art justifies in its way but commerce or simple entertainment doesn't. Not for me.

That's what I know tonight. I'm sure I have more to explain tomorrow.