Show Nerves

"Everywhere Signs Fall" has the final rehearsal tonight. The actors asked to cancel the preview, so they could take one more crack at finding the right rhythm.

They aren't where they are supposed to be yet, but I believe they'll get it. They're smart actors. All of them have incredible stage presence. They like the play. They tell the story. They have all brought unique intelligent interpretations to the role. My biggest fear right now is that Friday night, they'll still be worrying about keeping track of all the complicated threads of the play, and they won't be able to lost themselves in the rolls. These are roles that will only work if they just run with them. Run is the operative word.

Last night, I was almost overwhelmed with anxiety. They did a second dress run-thru and it was far more clear and interesting than the Tuesday night run-thru, but with all the strange elements in the play, if it doesn't feel urgent, if the characters don't feel like they're running (without the actors indicating franticness or something) then it may just feel wordy, long, and melodramatic. Interesting in places. Nice moments in places but uneven and strange and unsatisfying.

On the other hand, I've got to believe that if they get the right rhythm and that rhythm just takes over, then people will have an enjoyable -- if somewhat confusing ride.

I don't know that there is middle ground with this play. Total commitment or not.

Oddly, with this play, I can get myself to relax a little because so many people working on it, all of whom I genuinely respect, seem to have genuine affection for it. They can't all be crazy or dumb, right? When I get worried about my talent or lack thereof as a writer, I try to take comfort in this fact.

Also, a part of my anxiety is this undeniable feeling that if the audience doesn't enjoy the play then its like I'm a liar somehow. All the talking I do about there. All the press I finagled for this small theater show. All the philosophizing about small theater. . . All the self-worth I store in the place where I am a writer. Even more than being wrong, I probably hate people thinking that I was wrong or dumb or pretentious or melodramatic.

But that is not a real worthwhile emotional response. I'm trying to control.

Also odd, with this play, is that its my fourth or fifth production in the last two years. I'd actually have to think it through to get the number right -- which amazes me. And in each of those productions, what happened on opening night and what happened even the night before in rehearsal were two almost entirely different plays. It's just the nature of theater I guess. It's always a leap of faith that it's going to work out in the end. And leaps of faith are always leaps of faith. You don't make them based on evidence. But lack of evidence is always frightening. . . I guess this is why religion is called the practice of faith. The more you do it, successfully, the easier it becomes.

I do have faith.

I am always, however, wondering whether all people do plays that aren't so difficult and nervewracking? Probably they do. Does this mean I'm a good playwright or a bad playwright? on the bad playwright line of thought is the idea that the actors are saving my ass with an incomplete script simply by seducing the audience when they come. On the good playwright line of thought -- my plays have built in to them the sense of the audience's energy.

I suppose it doesn't matter whether I'm a good or bad playwright or not. Either way, a/ they're opening a play of mine tomorrow night and people will see it and b/ there's no money in the profession whether I'm good or bad, so i might as well do it for other reasons than the financial or moral approval of the masses.

What the fuck am I writing about?

Showing my nerves I guess. I guess I'd be worried if I wasn't a little anxious. Superstitiously, I want to feel the same horrible feelings I've felt before the opening of other shows that have turned out wonderfully, in a same way that a gambler recreates what he did before his luck turned around. Maybe that's it. I'm just superstitious.